I have been attending an IOP (intensive outpatient program) therapy for the past eight weeks (about). As someone who is a highly skilled therapist, it is stressful to be in group therapy and hear destructive comments. While I am aware the comments are non-malicious, that does not discredit them from missing the point of group therapy.

This blog post is about one comment, made at me.

This person in multi-family group says to me, “Sometimes I feel like you are planted here for [the rest of] us; you give such great advice. Are you a therapist?”

To be clear, yes, I was uncomfortable. And, no, this is not the first time someone’s asked me such a question. Also, no, the therapist in the space said nothing to the commenter. It was as though there was no respect for my boundary, that I wasn’t there for anyone else.

For context, I’ve spoken freely to multiple therapists in the IOP individual sessions (where I am alone with the therapist) that I am a therapist but that I don’t want that to become a sticking point because I am not there to be a therapist. So, yes, it was completely chaotic that someone could say something so destructive and get nothing said in response.

But because no one would speak and turned toward me, I was made through almost a nonverbal force, to give into a desire to know.

My response was clear, and curt, to shut down becoming the group therapist: “Well, I’ve taken a few classes, so I guess I know what I’m doing.”

People moved on from there, but it made me understand two things: not all therapists understand how group therapy works, and even more so, not all therapists understand what it means to be a therapist in therapy. To be a therapist who helps other therapists is very complex, as well as being able to understand what it means to speak up for them.

I know it’s a hard line as a group therapist: not wanting to ruin relationships with clients while also making sure to be the authority in the room.

The thing is?

I’ve been a group therapist. For a group of thirty recovering addicts. They fought me tooth and nail to not listen. But I earned their respect and they listened and got with the program and learned to not bicker at each other and make destructive comments. They learned to direct questions at me when they started to devolve into a group fight.

And you know? I was twenty-four at the time.

I had no business knowing how to do all that.

But I still did. (And I designed the program!)

I bought books and made powerpoints with guided questions to have them answer in the group with me. Hearing their answers allowed me as the therapist be able to step in and offer then if group support was appropriate or not. I wanted the control over that.

I didn’t expect the clients to know the difference.

That was part of my role. Naturally.

So when I see therapists not understand that their job as a therapist is to control a group from commenting at one another, it drives me up the wall. When group therapists can’t speak up and tell someone what’s a group support question and what’s not, I want to scream, because that’s literally part of the job of the group therapist.

And while I’m not here to bash the IOP center or the therapist, part of the issue ultimately comes down to the program not understanding that I am a therapist who knows what group therapy is and how it works. And saying that sounds really mean.

But the truth isn’t always kind.

But to get back to the opening complaint about some person claiming I was there in an IOP group for others, I realized that part of my issue had always been that I was so worried I couldn’t ever talk about my whole career. Because it wasn’t that I couldn’t be a therapist in therapy, it was that: I didn’t want my job to be everything I was. And then suddenly that’s all I became in that moment. And I freaked out all over again.

Because I don’t think it was meant to hurt me.

But it wasn’t fair to not be stood up for.

And to get great skills out of IOP at the expense of others thinking I’m there for them is really destructive to me. I can be in IOP therapy for myself without giving up who I am, but also expect to be stood up for. It’s a fine line, of course.

I just am at a point where a resolution seems unlikely.

But also, I don’t think it would undo the damage.

And honestly, I think that’s really fair to me.

XOXO,

Dorothy B.