The courts argue that women have to be perfect victims. If women are too mentally ill or (god forbid) too coherent, then the police are allowed to brutally torment and terrorize them. If women don’t take abuse well enough, then they get victim-blamed. Being female means that police get justification for any treatment of females, always.

In fact, there’s a whole section of victim-blaming that’s responding poorly to abuse.

It’s in the term “reactive abuse,” and the term is as alarming as it sounds.

Firstly, let’s be clear here: “reactive abuse” is neither abuse nor something to be angry at someone for doing; it is a reframing of “self-defense” by abusers to allow victims to be victim-blamed, or gaslit into being called the actual abuser. “Reactive abuse” is a reaction to abuse someone is enduring. It is not abuse or anything malicious that should be used as anything but evidence that the person was being attacked/victimized.

As well, responses to people’s mental health crises that look like abuse are not “reactive abuse” and are just flat-out abusive measures that shouldn’t be assumed to be the mentally ill person’s fault or responsibility. Although police argue otherwise.

There are multiple websites that claim “reactive abuse is not okay” and then say “if you were the victim of reactive abuse,” as if to suggest that being pushed to the brink of human limits puts you at fault for defending yourself, and that the abuser is in the right to accuse you of being in the wrong. (Way to play the police card there.) “Reactive abuse” is really OK, because there’s often no one holding abusers accountable for their abuse, and they aren’t a victim of anything. They knew what they got themselves into.

Abuse vs. Reactive Abuse

If someone is kicking and punching you to your limits, and you get blamed because you defended yourself? Congratulations! That’s “reactive abuse”!

If someone is in a crisis and you bash your head against the wall but let them get blamed because they screamed at you to stop? Congratualtions! That’s “reactive abuse”!

If someone asks you to stop hurting them and you hurt them more? That’s abuse!

If you neglect someone’s crisis in favor of your own needs? That’s abuse!

If you harm someone who’s in crisis? That’s abuse!

What Police Do

In all honesty, police always side with the man. (Or, rather, against the woman.)

The man could be begging and pleading to multiple police officer that they are getting the whole story wrong, and still the police huff and puff that the woman is in the wrong. They don’t care about protecting a woman more than they care about saving a man from getting his life ruined even when it’s clear that he has been the abuser.

A woman never gets the right to protect herself.

A woman who defends herself is told, “We don’t believe you,” or, even, the atrocious, “Then why didn’t you call us when you were scared?” There’s this assumption that women are supposed to believe the people who are denying her very story. The police will falsify a victim statement that was never given, and the courts will allow for it.

She gets sympathy only when she’s dead at the hands of her abuser.

When a man shouts “I was defending myself,” though, the police tell him that they understand and are really sorry that he experienced abuse. They express that they will help make sure he can safely leave his situation. They believe him. They sometimes even knowingly refuse to get a victim statement. They’ll make up that one was denied.

Men get sympathy for inflicting all sorts of abuse.

Women get punished if they don’t sit still and take abuse well enough. But even if they are the perfect victim, the abusive man is unlikely to be punished. The courts love to side with a man who abuses for any reason.

I’ve heard them all.

My ex even likes to think that depression means it was reasonable to beat and rape me. So he clearly hasn’t learned a damn thing about how abuse feels.

Reactions that Help

Perhaps you may wonder what reactions help stop an abuser.

Well, apparently running away or leaving is meant to help.

Apparently also not engaging with their abuse helps them stop.

But honestly, abusers know what buttons to press.

And they’re going to press them to get a reaction out of their victim.

Abusers know that police are trained to better blame a victim for defending themselves than they are to blame an abuser for harming someone. Victims who are found to be mentally ill are victims of police violence, abuse, and brutality; and courts don’t care.

Courts want to protect police more than they care about finding justice. It sometimes is as if courts are built on the backs of police who violate human rights rather than people who actually want to make the world a better place.

Which Is Right?

From a moral standpoint, I don’t think it’s necessarily my call on what a victim should do.

My call is: Don’t abuse people.

Don’t blame your victim for congruently responding to your abuse.

And honestly, if you’re able to fight back, it might mean you can get someone else (god, not the police) to believe that you’re in danger.

If people in your life aren’t listening to you, that’s not your fault.

Signs to Note

Abuse works by making the victim think they can’t be trusted or believed, among other facets of control and manipulation that often show up. Abuse isn’t just being hit or beaten like we’re taught. It can be mental (psychological), sexual, and emotional, as well.

Tactics like DARVO (deny the abuse, then reverse the victim and offender) are so common among abusers that we almost forget those are abuse and violence. Gaslighting can fall into this category as well. So can manipulation efforts, which often include elements found in DARVO and gaslighting, just to different extents and often in subtler ways.

Another common offense abusers will utilize is mental health diagnoses.

I’ll explain: abusers will say that because their victim is mentally ill that the victim is being abusive to them, and so they are deserving of the mistreatment of the abuser. The abuser will then couch the behavior as a symptom of a diagnosis (often made up) to coerce the victim into believing that the victim cannot blame the abuser for their behavior.

DARVO is apparent here, too, no? (See how the abuse was denied. Then the victim is made to be the offender and the offender the victim. Perfect DARVO. Horribly earned gold star.)

Another DARVO example: A mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are talking to one another, and the daughter is asking for an apology for feeling like the mother has been mistreating her and lying to her. The mother denies lying to her. She says she misspoke and it was the daughter’s fault for not understanding her. She states that she’s offended that she’s accused of mistreating the daughter because she’s been the victim of abuse and she was able to get help. The daughter feels defeated for being called abusive for asking for an apology that she felt justified in asking for. (Ultimately she called out the mother-in-law for DARVO, which was denied, but alas, not all wins are gained.)

Sometimes abuse isn’t so clear-cut. Some people are really mean about it.

If you’re in need of help, find someone you can trust.

Being a perfect victim often gets us into a litany of further issues.

XOXO,

Dorothy B