When I was in the middle of a mental health crisis earlier through late last year, I pushed everyone away while refusing to believe that anyone was on my side or would actually defend me after knowing the full story of what happened.

I’m an SMI disabled non binary human who does most of my clinical mental health work with SMI disabled patients. It is a nightmare how severe my disability is and how much better I have had it because I could afford good mental healthcare my entire life without my family worrying about bills.

But even with all that, when a crisis hits, it’s going to be really bad. I can’t control neurological symptoms and damage. I’m not that good.

I pushed away my best friends at the time because they were trying to stick up for me while I was trying to not fall apart and although we both wanted that for me, their friendship wasn’t even recognizable to me. And then some of it wasn’t ok.

I don’t know how many people dissociate in a regular basis. I know I get triggered into a dissociative panic attack at many night times. When those happen, I apologize in advance to my friends and family for whatever lashing out comes.

I also know my very best friend at the time was being unreasonable to everyone. Especially me.

They didn’t want to be honest with me and put on me that they lied. And hurt me in the process of me calling them out for lying to me about their feelings on me needing them in my crisis.

I don’t care.

Don’t lie to me and then blame me for believing you.

That friend scared me so much I asked their roommate if I should call the police; were things as bad as I was imagining them to be? The roommate calmed me down and assured me that it was ok, that he was fine and I didn’t need to. And so I let things go and allowed things to settle.

But the best friend?

They still claim they need to keep tabs on me because I make them feel unsafe. What a funny way to say, “I need to follow a person to make sure they don’t call me out again for what I did.”

Well, here it is.

To the friends we lose.

To the people who saw us and understood.

I see you and I see me.

I forgive myself for hating myself.

XOXO,

Dorothy B