After about 7 months of dealing with stupid dumb court decisions I have concluded a lot of courageous things about myself. One of these is that I don’t need bad friends.

So I want to share the story of “Leo,” the best friend I lost because I called them out on their maliciousness. I want to share the story of how Leo was vicious to me and our friend “Carl” during the duration of our friendship. There’s a lot going on here.

Sit back, relax, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the dumpster fire.

When I was beginning my undergraduate at Arizona State, I was a film production major. (Technically a film studies major, but the degree never ended up being this, so it doesn’t matter even still.) I was taking FMS 200 – film history – and was shamelessly asking around the dining hall to see if anyone was willing to let me put some makeup on them and film them for 10-15 minutes to make a short clip for my class.

I came up to this one table, and it was full of a bunch of happy-go-lucky people who suggested their friend Leo would be willing. I reached out to Leo, who told me their boyfriend Carl would also be willing to help me on this project.

So we meet on that fateful day in the fall of 2016.

I put on horror makeup onto the two of them in the style of 1940s RKO and have them reenact a stylistic scene. The film worked, and we hung out. We blossomed a friendship from there and I went on to meet more of Leo’s and Carl’s friends.

The two groups of friends couldn’t be any more different.

But that’s more of an integral data point; and will be something to file in your mind.

I recall Leo and I becoming very close very quickly, and Leo seeming to want to date me, even though I kept on stating that I didn’t feel that way about them. It seemed more important for Leo to get what they wanted, though, than for me to feel secure or heard from them. I was praised for communicating well, despite not needing that.

Leo asked me about four months into our friendship if I thought they were autistic.

I don’t care much when people ask me. It was just something I encouraged them to look into, as it wasn’t something I agreed with from them, and not something I was going to say I was qualified to speak on. Little did I know it was because they knew I was so autistic and wanted someone to validate that for them, even when it wasn’t true.

But I didn’t think twice about this.

I wasn’t their therapist, and besides, it wasn’t like Leo was going to seek out a formal diagnosis from anyone. In fact, it wouldn’t be until 2023 that they would try to see a therapist for relationship issues, and then they would not like that the therapist wasn’t telling them how to control their boyfriend as Leo had hoped the therapist would.

But I digress about people unfit for therapy.

Leo was my closest friend for about 7 years. And in 2017, when I had a horrible mental breakdown and was hospitalized, they made sure I was ok. Didn’t visit me or check up on me much, just kind of made sure afterward that I was alive. When I began to have these moments of fainting and passing out when overwhelmed, Leo would leave, not even saying anything to me about how they were leaving or even presenting a text, at least.

While it was hurtful at the time, there was nothing in me that could speak up.

I had met some of Leo’s close friends. They were very honest about how Leo was firm in their ways and wouldn’t budge for anyone. Leo would say it was ok to twist words around and provide unfair context and objectives. I wonder how many things were lies. It’s not worth going through right now, I guess – and maybe never will be, actually.

But that’s kind of a different story.

Carl was going through his own stuff. I think he and Leo dated for a grand total of three dates before deciding to just be friends, and Carl and I stayed close. Carl was having a lot of struggles and often needed friends who could be there for him. Yet, a lot of the people he met in college weren’t ready or able to emotionally field hard topics.

Luckily, I was, and it wasn’t exhausting.

I knew that therapists weren’t like me in that moment. I was in the relationship as myself. I was able to present to Carl stories of myself at many junctures, with advice and honest critiques, feedback, hard love, and all the good stuff that makes a friendship both people showing up as themselves. He showed up as himself. And I really thought that was cool.

Leo showed up as themselves, too. Talking about research and content. Talking about distressing moments of school and general disdain for life. Not a bad person, just someone who didn’t know that I was happy to listen to music if that was their thing, and not talk about ideas, if that was too stressful and overwhelming for them.

As the years went by, Carl eventually dropped out.

Leo was not nice about this, remarking Carl was giving up on himself and I didn’t know why Leo had to be so judgemental. People drop out of school all the time, and it doesn’t mean that they’re dumb, or stupid, or ill-equipped. Sometimes things just happen to us at the wrong time and the wrong place. It happens to us all. It’s life, after all.

I had some classes with Carl before, and he was lovely in them. Maybe he didn’t show up sometimes, and maybe he was late sometimes. And still, life happens and we are not there to judge how people go through it. I have been in some classes that were at inopportune times for me, too, and barely attended. Life goes on. Does it not?

Leo struggled more in college as the years went by.

If you said anything to them about it they would feel so embarrassed and ashamed. They defined themselves on their academic accomplishments. I didn’t care that they loved a subject they weren’t good at. Life happens, and not all of us are masters at studying or school, regardless of our ability to complete a job successfully.

Leo would remark that they needed to prove their worth through a degree. They were always talking about needing to escape this country through a scientific research. I always wondered why it was such a limited scope. The world is so big, so bold, so beautiful, and there are so many careers that the globe needs people in – not just the sciences.

I studied abroad and learned to love myself again.

My love has been stories and languages. Information is lovely. I loved my math courses and data science courses, because data is everywhere. People are full of data points and the conglomeration of how those intersect forms their psyche and their persona. Data science was my passion for awhile. I was horrible at proofs. I was great at stats.

I went to museums and learned even more about culture through going to comedy shows and theatre performances. I went to restaurants and tried dishes I hadn’t even heard of. I tried local foods, and classic dishes. I went to bakeries and bought multiple pastries at once, every time. I talked to the locals. It was immersive. My way.

We had to do an honors thesis in undergraduate.

Leo tried studying gametogenesis (creating gametes, or sex cells, in bodies to help infertile or nontraditional couples procreate) and graduated a year early in 2019. They were then enrolled in a masters in biology but were struggling to find a thesis advisor who would keep them on. It was hard to watch my best friend constantly struggle in this.

I had an honors thesis all about mental illness representation in adult animated cartoons and presented it as a website. It helped me gain admission into several masters degrees and I recall the advisors were impressed with my presentation. I enjoyed the various components of creating and compiling a thesis; it wasn’t that stressful.

Eventually Leo, Carl, and I were living on our own in Arizona. This was 2020.

We became close on a different level. Leo was dating various people and working in retail call centers or as a school aide. Carl was finding his way while learning what he wanted to do in life, at least career wise. I was there working in a corporate office and beginning my career trajectory in accounting and finance. I broke in. It was good. Life was smooth.

I began having a long-term relationship, and Leo did, too. Carl was coming into his own. I was struggling to figure out if my relationship was right, and Leo was rejecting me because they didn’t like my boyfriend. Leo didn’t talk to me about it, and assumed I could read their mind about all of it. Leo decided that I wasn’t worth their time when I was being abused by someone they thought was a pain, and wouldn’t just tell me.

Leo began complaining that their boyfriend was too imperfect. Every little thing that their boyfriend did wrong was another thing that I was meant to console them through. Every little thing ended up being another example of human traits that Leo thought were just too much to bear in a relationship with another human being. Imperfection, huh?

I was supposed to tell my friend that they were ok to make their boyfriend feel bad for being imperfect on normal human ways to be imperfect. I would call them out on these things, saying that’s not fair, and that they need to adjust their expectations because they are allowed to not want that, but then they can’t play with someone’s emotions like that.

Leo seemed to think I was joking with my convictions.

After Leo’s boyfriend broke up with them, they went on a trip to Spain. I was happy for them to find out what they wanted or didn’t want. Unfortunately, what they learned was that they should revert to being selfish and full of themselves. They should go back to being nitpicky on everyone they don’t like and think is out to get them and triggers them. I saw this so clearly when they went to live with Carl, eventually.

They harmed my one boyfriend.

In 2023 after I moved because of discriminatory police and court actions brought on by harassment from neighbors and an apartment complex, I asked Leo and Carl if my boyfriend could stay with them both. I talked to them, and they agreed with me a duration and terms of the agreement. I set my boundaries firmly.

I said I was there to help, and I was not there to control. I am there to mitigate conflict, but I will not take the side of someone in the wrong. When Leo began making up reasons that my boyfriend was too messy, and too mean, and made him sleep in his car, but still forced him to pay rent, I called a spade a spade – that’s domestic violence.

I talked to Carl and asked if I needed to intervene with anything. He said no, and so I backed off. I was terrified still that Leo was being violent toward Carl and my boyfriend but I respected the no, and knew not to intevene. I know a boundary, and it’s pretty clear to me when someone wants nothing done that sometimes that means they know.

And then they tried to blame me.

I was told Leo needed to keep tabs on me through indirect and unclear social media posts of theirs. I reached out many times and asked what they wanted from me, if they wanted me to stop talking to them, and if they didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was not getting any responses. I was getting left on read. All I knew was we had left things in a fight. To me, that means that things are still up for grabs and unclear as ever.

Then Leo called my behaviors harassment and stalking. Still fail to see that. Yes. You can claim discomfort toward me, and if when I ask you what you need, and you do not clearly communicate your desires, then it is neither stalking nor harrassment. Those would imply that you have set a clear and firm boundary that was directly communicated, recieved, and has now been broken based upon explicitly stated terms and conditions.

In fact, this is Leo being manipulative and DARVO’ing the situation at hand. They’re actually the one, in some odd sense, harassing me. And I don’t care. They’re the one saying that I didn’t deserve to stand up for myself and didn’t deserve a firm boundary but that they want to complain to the world about my behavior. But theirs is gross.

Don’t tell a survivor of abuse that they don’t know these games.

I know all these games.

Don’t play me.

XOXO,

Dorothy B.