I often hear people berate survivors of domestic abuse and violence for staying. Sometimes the response is a list of reasons we couldn’t leave, and these lists miss the point I want to make.

We stay in a situation we’re unable (or highly unlikely) to change in the present circumstances.

-me, 25

I can provide a huge laundry list of reasons I stayed with my ex. I can give explanations that would floor even the best writer. Actors could use these ideas as scene studies or method acting.

But I wanted to make a different list.

A list of what I couldn’t change:

• His ability to play the victim.
• The people who thought he loved me.
• Reactive abuse (self defense spun to DARVO me from my ex’s perspective)
• Having nowhere to go.
• Not being safe to get any help.

Because the truth is, it’s not important that I stayed or that no one really thought anything of it. Earnestly, sometimes there were things that happened where I didn’t even know what was going on. The thing people don’t like to admit is that part of how abuse works is that it’s not all good or all bad. It’s not even enough sometimes to compare the moments, because at the end of the day, to posit that the choice was in vain or made with no sense of self is looking the other way, suggesting people desire abuse.

The reality is, people desire not to be misunderstood.

There are countless examples on this blog of my experiences being so unsure of if other people followed the same pattern of having a public persona so disconnected from how they treated those they said they loved. There are numerous words thrown at the world, questioning why sometimes people try to protect those being harmed in ways that create further harm to the person. There are many opinions shed not to discredit how people help, but rather to offer a viewpoint that gets silenced rather than affirmed.

When you are in a relationship with someone, there’s an internalized need at times to trust the other person is acting in ways to help you; that their intent is good.

There’s this extended perception that compels us to then believe that those unknown to us are acting only against us. When someone has such a hold on how you percieve yourself, it is complicated to separate who you are from the consistency of the words expressing not only who you aren’t but also who you are stuck becoming.

Abusive partners don’t start with intense assertions of your character.

Rather, they begin slowly obsessing over you, where it can almost seem comforting to have someone desire you at that level. The reason this works is a lot of us partially, or at least in some way, like when we are admired, getting validation that our ego isn’t worthless. We also commonly find a partner who, for those who know us best, seems aligned with our values and moral stances.

Love bombing, or the action of expressing abnormal intensity of adoration that ebbs and flows with how the recipient needs to feel dependent on the actions, that there is only one person who truly loves them, comes in many forms. It can be recieving gifts, it can be compliments, it can be excessive displays, it can be lavish dates, it can even be high levels of desired communication, where the recipient is overshadowed, but seems content or indifferent with such a lack of care to learn who they are.

Recently, in my examining what led me here, I’ve spent copious amounts of time thinking about how family system dynamics shape our expectations of how we’re treated.

While it’s neither here nor there what happened years ago, there is a point in acknowledging recent interactions.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of overwhelming changes.

I often feel like I am not allowed to voice these concerns. There’s the nagging feeling in me that I’m in the wrong to ask people, even my family and closest friends, to be there for me and respond kindly and respectfully to me. I’m not asking them to always only take my side, but it feels wrong to ask anyone to stand up for me, because it’s seemed to produce more anger and harm asking for support. I am not meant to speak up and say that something is unhelpful or unkind. I am meant to absorb all comments on my struggles and say nothing that isn’t thanking the person.

Furthermore, the expectation that I always am kind to the other person and fully support them in all their endeavors results in the expectation that I apologize for being offended. There is the further consequence that if that person circles back in repeating a kind comment said that was irrelevant to the unkind sequence, I am to convey gratitude and express my understanding that I was simply misinterpreting them.

There’s the added layer that if someone comes to me and is frustrated with me rather than simply communicating their frustrations to me, the required response of me is to understand them and be willing to take further instructions from them.

As usual, the expectation is I am meant to ask for permission to speak. If I state that the feedback I got demonstrated I am not to communicate my feelings and I will respect that boundary, it is stated I am trying to fight.

And maybe the other person is right.

How I say something needs to always be first approved by the other person as a correct time and one they are willing to hear me during. They are entitled to require me to obtain permission from them to speak, and I am barred from asking not to be disturbed or walked in on in the middle of the workday. Even stating to someone I can respect if that is their want is me being combattive. It makes sense, though.

When I expressed how upset I am to a family member yesterday, I was met with some sympathy. Then when I explained that the feedback I recieved was inherently rude and unkind, the family member reflected that they would have said the same thing. My co-worker said that, while it was true, it was unfair to say since comparing someone with 6 months of experience to someone with over 20 years of experience is unlikely to ever favor the person with less experience.

My family member explained over and over again that their expectation was that, in the same situation, they would expect the person with 6 months of experience to do something as well as, if not better than, the person with 20 years or more. There was the added comment that the family member would agree it was not a good business expense, since paying a junior person to have junior experience demonstrated in their work was not cost-effective and they would agree to not have the role.

The end result was me saying that I understood what the family member was saying and that I appreciate their perspective. I was told I was unreasonable in my ask for an apology for the immediate response of communicating to me the other person’s side. I was told it was unreasonable and offensive to ask that my side be responded to, at any point, because it was more important for me to respect the family member’s perspective of explaining another person’s perspective. I was not allowed to complain that the assumption was I didn’t understand the perspective rather than I wanted someone to agree with me that it was normal and appropriate to be upset and annoyed.

Today, when I again tried to explain my boss’s style of berating me and extensively tearing me down followed by demands that I follow all instructions with cheer and joy, the same family member expressed that I should expect such demands and it was irrational to consider those offensive. It was immediately conveyed by the family member that I should always respond to a demand as rational, and consider it as separate from its context and previous verbiage.

I tried again to express that was unkind an unhelpful. I even attempted to ask if the family member would find that response to the situation kind and helpful.

The family member explained they would find no issue with the response. I internally know that this is not true. I am meant only to accept the response if it is from them reacting to my hardship, when the same hardship of theirs (whether in severity or content) is to be responded to with intense understanding and sympathy.

For instance, when this family member expressed the sorrow in having to repeat a study for a doctorate program, I sympathized that that was frustrating and I hoped they would have a more successful second round. I acknowledged my willingness to pray for them about it, as that family member strongly believes in prayer.

When this family member expresses frustrations over others, I am to agree with their perspective and support their feelings on the matter. I am told I am rude and offensive if I respond even neutrally to their feelings.

Yet, today, explaining to the family member that they could simply tell me to leave them alone, if it was that upsetting to ask them to be there for me, I was met with being told that was not what was meant, but also that I should expect such reactions. The family member noted it was during their workday. I didn’t point out that the family member had been scrolling on social media when I began to interact. That was going to provide nothing but grief for me.

Later on, the family member came up to me, unprompted, and said something kind about a tangential moment I had shared. It was expected that the family member relaying joy for my joy was to make up for the family member relaying criticism and admonishment of my frustration.

I knew better than to ask for an apology.

I should have known better than to do what I did.

I stated that I didn’t want to communicate with the family member about my life any longer, as it was clearly communicated to me that was a boundary of theirs. I said I wanted to respect that boundary, that they were unwilling to hear about me, and independently agreed to not share any longer.

I was told this was me trying to pick a fight.

And to think I wondered why being abused by partners was normal.

When the familial dynamic is centered around being told taking up any space not first asked for is you being offensive, why would I expect any partner of mine to ask about me, consider my needs, or want me around them?

Why would I ever ask someone I barely know to want me to an extent I am not allowed to ask for from those I grew up with?

Was it irrational of me to accept being beaten and raped when the feedback from family members was I was being psychotic in saying they were being aggressive? How would I not expect someone to find others to agree with them? Why would a stranger be the same to me and others? Why would I expect something so insane?

Of course it was sensible to be engulfed in violence.

The idea of being wanted and appreciated without ulterior motives was scary and seemed completely fake. Why would I enter into that, when it was only going to be a joke and my fault for expecting them to be kind and supportive?

Of course I stayed.

Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

XOXO,

Dorothy B.